I am writing this blog based on many, many observations and personal experiences regarding the magician and the magicians spouse or significant other.
There is an alarming pattern that I have been observing as it unfolds time and time again, and that is:
Interpersonal conflicts with in relationships in which one of the involved parties is a magician (professional) or is extremely dedicated or focused in the practice of the art.
Yet another one of my friends who is deeply involved in magic is getting a divorce. Coincidence? most likely not.
It seems to me that when a couple begin their relationship, or are in a relationship and one of them become ever so more involved with magic conflict arises between the two, personal freedoms are challenged, self entitlement comes into play and the relationship deteriorates to the point of the relationship ending.
I can only begin to speculate what might be thinking process that occurs in a woman's mind when their "boyfriend" or "husband" dive deeper and deeper into the art (as it is a male dominated art here in the west).
For you consideration I will present to you one of my personal experiences.
It was a Saturday morning and I had just received a phone call from a magician friend of mine. He had told me that there was some one trying to set up in the same area he was, and give fierce competition. So I told him that I would go and lend a hand to help him out.
Once I shared this with my girlfriend at the time, and that I had to leave at that moment, she responded with this: "oh come on... come back to bed. You are just going to go play with your friends".
After that point in time I began to experience continuing conflict with her and was repeatedly placed in the position of having to choose between her and any one thing that was magic related.
Fits of jealousy and rage toward the people I performed for, the amount of my time dedicated to magic, etc... To say the least this began to spread to all other areas of the relationship until it disintegrated entirely and the relationship was ended.
At fist I thought the relationship had ended because of mutual character flaws, and growing incompatibility, and then I realized that there is a pattern, a phenomenon if you will.... in the ephemeral inner workings of relationships between men and women, a interaction pattern between the sexes that is universal, and when it comes to magic it is amplified in exponential amounts.
Something similar happens with actors, and musicians, but it is so incredibly amplified with magicians it works as in a cause/effect structure.
The nature of being a magician in popular social consciousness is to be able to do the impossible, to do what others can not. This brings in to question the societal side effects from it; such as attention, appreciation, jealousy from others, instant gratification etc.... When this is applied into the model of a personal relationship between a man and a woman, conflict is inevitable.
I can not recall all the numerous instances when I have been asked for advice, or I have leant an friendly ear to fellow magicians (Professional and amateur alike) regarding this.
There was this one guy that had grand aspirations and an incredible desire to be a professional, and yet every single "but" or excuse for him to not go and seek his dream repeatedly went back to this same issue with his wife.
In another instance; I had just meet a magic aficionado that was beginning to get passionate about his magic at a local magic store. We hit it off and became really good friends, I had told him to watch his relationship with his wife closely as it would be challenged because of magic, and true to be... two years later him and his high school sweetheart were getting a divorce.
I believe there are multiple factors that attribute to the downfall of relationships due to heavy involvement with magic.
1. The social interaction it dictates.
2. The amount of focus and attention that derives from the practitioner.
3. The secretive nature of the art
4. A none shared frame of reference regarding what magic is to the practitioner.
The following is brief description of the above mentioned.
1. The social interaction it dictates.
Magic as an art inherently demands interaction with other people, whether it be from a stage or in a close up intimate settings.
This usually crates conflict due to perceived flirting from the performer to the audience, and from the audience flirting with the performer. If the girlfriend or spouse has jealousy issues they surface and flare up greatly due to this. Which in tun lead to the challenge of perennial freedoms, and issues of self entitlement from one party to the other.
2. The amount of focus and attention that derives from the practitioner.
Magic requires a good amount of dedication and attention from the practitioner, a mix between research, new learning, rehearsal, and the actual execution of it in front of an audience. It is time consuming and may cause the spouse or girlfriend to feel "left out", ignored or neglected. This is greatly aggravated if there are issues of insecurity involved.
There are role expectation in relationships on both sides of the table, unfortunately I believe one of those relationship expectations is for the the male counter part to share every single thing about himself with the other person, thus creating conflict due to the traditional secretive nature of magic.
4. A non shared frame of reference regarding what magic is to the practitioner.
Unless the spouse or girlfriend practices magic as the male counter part does, there will always be a huge gap in understanding of what it is to do magic, and what are the personal gratifications in doing so. This may very easily be aggravated by issues of low self esteem, and insecurity in either or both people with in the relationship.
So in conclusion I do not believe there is a solution to this conundrum of magicians in relationships, but I can and will do offer the following warnings.
Be prepared to make a choice between your art and the person you are emotionally involved with because the time will come when you will be cornered and forced to make a decision to chose one or the other. It is inevitable so be prepared.
If you are involved with some one who has control issues, suffers from jealousy and insecurity issues cautiously reconsider your relationship with that person, as there will be constant and ever increasing turmoil and conflict between the both of you. The deeper your involvement with magic, the worst the relationship will become.
So there. You have been warned...
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Rolando Medina is a Sleight of hand entertainer, side show performer, author, consultant. fabricator/maker/designer of gaffed coins, cups, fine props etc.Rolando performs for the layman world mostly, however he does perform, lecture and teach to other magicians, sideshow performers, as well as artisans, maker, and artists.
